so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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