Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
