Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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