My sheets look like a crime scene.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
