Ketchup is God's man juice
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
