OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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