I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I will pee on everything he values.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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