I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm too high and old for this...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
