He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
