at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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