I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
