i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
