What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
