why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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