i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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