The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
