Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
