Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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