remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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