Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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