Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
