i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
