I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
