piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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