I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize