is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
