Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
