I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
