If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
