Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
