Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
