So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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