Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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