Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
