i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize