She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
