Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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