I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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