i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just blew my weed a kiss
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
