I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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