the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
