I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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