Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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