Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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