His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
