He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
