i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
