i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
