I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
