I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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