I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
