zippers are such a cool invention
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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