i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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