I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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