Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
