my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
