I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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