next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
